Sunday, August 23, 2009

To flee or not to flee

I come from a good family and had a fairly stable environment to grow up in. In the midst of all this normality, it was expected from me to maintain a straight path. For me, it's hard to explain why I simply cannot deal with all of it. I remember telling my friends for the past couple of years that I needed to get out of Florida. I needed to go somewhere else, I don't really think it matters where. But I just cannot justify any reason for the erratic need to flee other than it being too damn humid here. The weather is not suited for me. My Polish descent doesn't allow for sun. My skin just rejects any hope of a tan in exchange for looking like a lobster for the next week or so. Aside from weather, I truly think that I am going to go insane if I don't have a change in lifestyle, very soon.
My first choice would be either Chicago or New York, however cliched it might be to have the ambition to move to a big city. At least it's colder there, more apt for my blood, and I know a few places where I could get jobs, and I've even had an offering. I don't want to disclose what exactly it is that I do, not that it's something cool like working for the FBI or the mob or something. It's just that I don't quite have a grasp on things yet. "I have yet to gouge my path in life, yet to find my calling", whatever sugar-coated sentiment you want to call it. I'm just getting the sickening feeling that I'm going in circles, and it is impossible to get a foothold to move ahead. Once you've lived in a city for so long, you've just sucked all you can out of it and then it becomes dry soil with nothing left but for you to starve yourself on. This isn't the case for everybody; I know people who have lived in the same town their whole life, and are perfectly content. I just can't do it. I was born in Miami and lived here for more or less my entire life, and I cannot deal with this place anymore. I don't have anything to hang on to down here. I'm fairly young, not married, don't have children, and I don't have a job that I particularly care for.
But on the note of staying on a straight path, I know that my parents or family would never approve of this sort of behavior. Not having a plan or any idea what to do next, but just packing up and heading over to another corner of the country, I know it's unreasonable.
I don't think I'm the only person with this desire, I'm sure there's lots of people who think that they can be better off as long as they just go someplace else. But it's easy to get stuck in a place, even if you don't want to be. As soon as you develop a routine, you start to get sucked in, and by then, it's hard to escape. I'll probably keep saying that I'm quitting my job becauce I'm miserable, and I'm packing up and leaving. I probably also wont do it. I still have a small suitcase packed from a couple months ago when I *almost* bought a plane ticket to Newark because it was cheap and I was feeling especially impulsive. I still regret not doing it. I bet the airfare has gone up for bringing a cat.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! I know exactly how you feel. I always say that just because I was born here, doesn't mean I have to live here. My husband and I talk about moving to Ireland but most likely it will never happen. Like you said, the routine sucks you in. If you are single, now is the time to do it - make the move! What is the worse that could happen? Especially if you have job offers - that's the biggest roadblock - I say do it and I'd pick NYC - just cuz I love that place!